I finally did it. I started erasing the photos of my baby’s birth from my phone. Such a guilty task for a mom. But as I was deleting the ones that were always hard to watch, I definitely felt some sort of release.
A couple of weeks later, I literally started touching my scar. It took me almost two years to feel really confident and comfortable in my own skin. It’s been a long hard process and definitely worth it. I’m ok with being a bit angry. To some extent, it pushes me even more. But I decided not to be ‘the frustrated mommy’ or ‘la mamá frustrada’. That, I’m not ok with.
The first thing I did in my healing process had nothing to do with keeping clean my scar. Rather I forgave myself and my husband. Hand in hand with that I decided to work at it, by any means possible. Then, I made an appointment with a woman psychologist. She wasn’t a perfect match for me but still helped and gave me some important tools. When I stopped seeing her, I started to pamper myself. ¡Ay!, how guilty I felt! And how much that simple thing helped my self esteem. Gradually, I started to feel different, better, confident. (I always try to eat balanced and healthy). So, naturally I started exercising more. And in every nap my toddler took, I wrote.
There wasn’t a point to my writing, I thought and told my husband. And what I’m even writing about?, I added. To which he replied: “Just write. About everything”. I was left speechless, something very rare for my personality. To me, everything has to have a purpose. But in my husband’s comment was so much love and support that ended up being really liberating for me. I don’t think he knows this.
After, the fun months really began. My man and I started to be more flirty towards each other. I cut out coffee of my daily routine. As a consequence, I was less anxious. We exercised consistently. Our son was a priority as well as ourselves and our relationship. Toxic people were ignored. New plans and ideas were taking shape and the support we had for each other was key in everything. The two of us were ready for change.
Now, we are still working hard to make dreams happen, be better, heal. It’s still hard to delete the birth photos, but my phone storage is full and everything is uploaded to the cloud anyways. I want space for the next chapter in our life. Change I crave and it’s already happening. Might as well go with it. The feeling of guilt might never go away, (maybe it’s justamami thing). Then again, I’ll make something out of it and write about it.