The purpose of the video I have posted on social media (and in a link at the top) was to show it to my son later on. I wanted him to know how many people were anxiously expecting his arrival. I thought seeing all his gifts could make him feel special, loved. Of course, I felt blessed. I never expected so many presents and more came later on. But boy, not pun intended, was I wrong. My baby already knew love, mine.
I have come to understand that as a first time mom, and any mom for that matter, we tend to use external appearances to feel like good mommies. We want our kids to look clean, well groomed, healthy, behave themselves, have all of their things pretty, in order, etc. Their room or space is part of this weird and sometimes compulsive behavior us mommas have. This is a direct effect of how hard society is on women and, in this case, mothers. Perfection has to be achieved but it will never happen…
As clearly as day, I remember I needed his room to be beautiful, organized and functional. Those words make sense to me. They give some sort of peace of mind and happiness. Plus I wanted a room worthy of him, whatever that means. I had an idea of what to expect in terms of taking care of a child, but being a babysitter rather than a mom isn’t exactly the same thing. That is why the nursery seemed to be something I could control. I knew when the baby arrived, little would I be able to. Also having a perfectly decorated and organized bedroom for a new live is something easy to mark off a list. Whenever the baby arrives that will be something less to worry or think about.
In the end, the room turned out great. It was everything I dreamed of and more. Six loving hands, (mine included), were all the help needed to make it possible. And yet, I still reflect on how it wasn’t that highly important thing I made it to be. I should have dedicated more time to other inward aspects.
I totally understand, how it’s nice to have completed a chore and feel prepared, which is a word that brings me back to perfect. Perfection is a concept impossible to achieve. Something will always appear as lacking to us or about ourselves to society. And then, preparedness is like a state of mind unique to every person. There’s only so much you can do. There’s only so much to do. Preparing mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually cannot be forgotten even by wanting to complete a concrete task such as the nursery. Make more time to relax and trust that no matter what happens, if you’re baby has you, that is enough. You are enough, even when feelings of being justamami take over.